A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
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I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Kids, do not try this at home!
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Tell me you get it…🤣
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.