a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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Going into Monday like
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
A leaf blower, but for people.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
man i love columbo
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
How I like cutting carbs
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.