a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

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Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.


Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?


COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.


I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.


Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.


[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that


Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.


My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.


It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.