A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Can you solve the riddle??
![]()
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
![]()
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Cop: where were you on October 4th 1973 at 6:48PM?
Me: I was sitting in my living room recliner
Cop: how could you…
Wife: Trust me. He’s always there.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.