A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet