A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
This is not me but this is me
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.