A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it