a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
You Might Also Like
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Nothing to do, you say?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?