A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
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Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted