A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
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Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Steam Forums
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Dear Lord..
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.