A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

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I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.


ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!


The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.


[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”


Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan



Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.


By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.


When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.


All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.