A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
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GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
How all things should be taught/explained.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
A short story of betrayal:
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.