Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.