A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
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College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Buck naked
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
and now we wait
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare