A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
You Might Also Like
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?