A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds