a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
You Might Also Like
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.