A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
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Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Livid.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
#parenting
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again