A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Strangers have the best candy.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.