A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I thought this was funny lol
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.