[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
You Might Also Like
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.