@HatfieldAnne

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

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@TheCatWhisprer

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

@UnFitz

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

@MissHavisham

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

@JaimeSamantha

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

@NotthatAdamWest

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

@daemonic3

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”