A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
twitter users today:
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.