A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges


Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.


The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.


Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?


If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder


Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company


Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.


[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture