A McRib killed my tapeworm.
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Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Are we there yet?…
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
had to make it
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
