a McRib killed my tapeworm
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The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
“What movie?” 🤔
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.