A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Many hands make light work
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
