A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
favorite tropes as memes
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee