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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
When I laugh on my period
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go