A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
San Francisco has too many rules
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.