A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.