A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
San Francisco has too many rules
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Little kids only want to be independent when you鈥檙e running late.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
the things my dad sends my mom 馃槶馃槀
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 馃槈
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
can y鈥檃ll stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.