A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Um … Hot Wings please
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.