A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*