Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*