A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
How to woo a woman
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]