A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
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I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!