A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
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Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I am all good here, 😂😉
i meant to share this earlier
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer