Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

So we got a goldfish…

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.