A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Good morning!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw