A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
What if the weather talks about us?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.