A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Every damn time
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.