A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I WON A HAM TODAY
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Breaking news:
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section