[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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Smooooooth
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.