A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Who’s your best friend?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
no their not
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.