A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

You Might Also Like


Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.


People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.


Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.


I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me


I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.


Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.


I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.


I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB


1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”


When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.