@Moronyc

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

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@SadPeruna

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

@JimmerThatisAll

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

@TheCiscoKidder

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

@StruggleDisplay

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

@TheFirstDudish

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

@1evilidiot

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

@DionneMcNutt

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

@SaraThomas84

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

@edfoxcomedy

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

@KyrieFaye

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.