A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.