A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying