A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
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me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Succinctly put.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.