A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
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Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
How your email finds me
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls