a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition