@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

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@UNDEADTRESOR

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

@Reverend_Scott

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@HeresCunty

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

@slimmy_shady

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

@Quartzjixler

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

@UnIxphysco

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

@Reverend_Scott

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y