a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
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Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
We’ve all been there
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*