A mustache is just mouth bangs.
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if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Hell yeah 👍
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over