A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
You Might Also Like
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.