A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
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[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
dads on road-trips be like
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no