A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead


There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).


We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.


Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?


When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.


The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?


Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive


If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend


me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations


I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.