A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Weighing up my bread heating options
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING