A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Haha good job!!
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!