A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?


ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?


Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?


Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct


I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.


Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.


It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…


Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]



“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”