@Dad_At_Law
@Marlebean [dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
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@Marlebean 
@scot7a ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
@Ivsy01 Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
@Rollmaninoz [date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
@veronaway2 I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
@ChaseMit Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
@TeeJayRush It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
@sonictyrant Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
@nycjayjay Perfection.
@QwertyJones3 “My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”