A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I can’t be the only one 😂
Bartenders are just boneless bars
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it